I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I'm at about main and main street
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
