obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I want you more than these girls want KFC
she peed on how many people?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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