In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
