I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
