he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
