i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
the condom got lost in my hair
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
