his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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