if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Randomize
