So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
