I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
