My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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