WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Randomize
