I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
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