first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
he thought i was a dude.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
