Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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