Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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