I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Randomize
