Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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