Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
