don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
