I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
