So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
