So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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