Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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