You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Randomize
