Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
