I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
