and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
You smell like stripper and shame
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
