So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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