The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
