I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
