if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
