Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
