it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Randomize
