Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
