There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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