Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
