I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He better not be in your backpack
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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