i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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