remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
