the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
