I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
