fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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