everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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