my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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