My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
