Whats the glycemic index on semen?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
