im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
