All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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