Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
